(Senior picture August 2010)
I have been trying to figure myself out for over two years now, and I thought for my first blog post I would write about how much of a struggle it is for me so far, hoping that other people have once in their own lives felt this way as well.. For starters; I realized that losing weight was 10 times harder than I thought it would be more emotionally than physically.
Crash diets are INSANELY hard. I tried a master cleanse once lol it was water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and syrup all mixed together. Someone told me that they once lost 15 lbs in a week.I tried it for a day. I thought my head was going to blow up I was so hungry haha.
I knew that diet and exercise was the right way. I wanted to lose weight fast, but the faster you lose weight the faster you gain it back lol great right.. While I was starting to look different to other people, when I looked in the mirror I seen the exact same person from 2 years ago (picture above) I realized that losing weight was also so much of a an emotional change that I was not ready for. It’s all so different, so much has stood between me and where I want or thought I was suppose to be in life at 19.
The way I get looked at or the way I want to be looked at is far from the same; I thought that losing weight would make me love myself but really my insecurities got worse. It’s hard to put it all in words. Because trust me there were MANY MANY times where I was and still am so confused about what my plan in life is.
Crash diets are INSANELY hard. I tried a master cleanse once lol it was water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and syrup all mixed together. Someone told me that they once lost 15 lbs in a week.I tried it for a day. I thought my head was going to blow up I was so hungry haha.
I knew that diet and exercise was the right way. I wanted to lose weight fast, but the faster you lose weight the faster you gain it back lol great right.. While I was starting to look different to other people, when I looked in the mirror I seen the exact same person from 2 years ago (picture above) I realized that losing weight was also so much of a an emotional change that I was not ready for. It’s all so different, so much has stood between me and where I want or thought I was suppose to be in life at 19.
The way I get looked at or the way I want to be looked at is far from the same; I thought that losing weight would make me love myself but really my insecurities got worse. It’s hard to put it all in words. Because trust me there were MANY MANY times where I was and still am so confused about what my plan in life is.
It's crazy!
(Greeley October 2012)
I moved to San Diego and Bakersfield for about 8 months or so and I knew right away that was where I was suppose to be or at least WANTED to be! There were so many factors right in front of me saying that I needed to be back home; I couldn't afford school even with my scholarships but I was stubborn and ignored the signs.
Where I lived was really nice, Spring valley, it had the best view. There were about a billion shopping malls around, so if I ever got bored I would just shop and spend money I didn't have haha. The town was surprisingly normal. There were plenty of different restaurants around us and it was so hard to not taste everything. It’s a good thing I’m not picky! I tried six days dieting, one day of cheating, but that went downhill very fast! It was all pretty sweet not having to work, my uncle and aunt I lived with paid for everything, so my life was easy.
Where I lived was really nice, Spring valley, it had the best view. There were about a billion shopping malls around, so if I ever got bored I would just shop and spend money I didn't have haha. The town was surprisingly normal. There were plenty of different restaurants around us and it was so hard to not taste everything. It’s a good thing I’m not picky! I tried six days dieting, one day of cheating, but that went downhill very fast! It was all pretty sweet not having to work, my uncle and aunt I lived with paid for everything, so my life was easy.
Once I got back home around May 2012 I stepped on the scale.. I felt like my heart was going to explode I was in an instant depression.
Not being in school but having a well paying job gave me the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I took advantage of this. My life went like this for about a year; work random shitty shifts, going out when ever I had time off, drinking my so called sorrows away, shopping made me so happy. I had no order, or self control. I couldn't tell the difference between appearance and reality. I was so lost in the world and very alone. I blew about $1,000 a month on whatever I pleased. I had no real bills besides my phone bill. I quickly started to remember how badly I was failing at my 2 year plan, I didn't look the way I wanted and I was no where near my educational goal. I thought I was happy and everyone including my family said I looked happy, but I was definitely not. I would always thinking about how much easier my life would be if I just gave up.
Not being in school but having a well paying job gave me the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I took advantage of this. My life went like this for about a year; work random shitty shifts, going out when ever I had time off, drinking my so called sorrows away, shopping made me so happy. I had no order, or self control. I couldn't tell the difference between appearance and reality. I was so lost in the world and very alone. I blew about $1,000 a month on whatever I pleased. I had no real bills besides my phone bill. I quickly started to remember how badly I was failing at my 2 year plan, I didn't look the way I wanted and I was no where near my educational goal. I thought I was happy and everyone including my family said I looked happy, but I was definitely not. I would always thinking about how much easier my life would be if I just gave up.
(Motivation wall! GET ONE)
My life has been mind boggling, I thought at 19 I would be graduating with my associates and look like a VS model! To say I was wrong is an understatement. I was pretty nervous to confess to my family about my thoughts and ask for help. But it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I talked for hours with my family and my grandma realizing that I couldn't do this alone, I didn't need just them but I knew once I gave everything to God I would feel better and I did!
In order to get my thoughts, spirit, and mind in sync I needed to have a set schedule work gym, gym work ya know?
I recently signed with John Robert Powers School of acting and modeling which is such a blessing and is taking up a lot of my time, I'm always busy and I love it. Giving my self no time to even think of alcohol.
I came up with a brilliant idea to do a 6 month alcohol fast? What was I thinking! By far way harder than dieting! I can't go out with out being drunk, I tried it a few times and I died of boredom every time. On the 14th of this month I will be 60 days sober!
So for the last 2 months I separated myself from almost everyone, it was funny... whenever I really needed someone to talk to, no one was there. But I was always the first to help others. Janay, my best friend was the only person that seen me at my lowest low and did everything in her power to make sure I didn't stay there. And for that I will always lover her. I've been working on getting a better relationship with God and spending more time to find what truly makes me happy and that is my family. Once I trusted God with everything my life felt so complete, I was in pieces and he is slowly putting me back together.
2 months here in this state of mind helped me realize how much I have to be thankful for being alive. It also makes me extremely thankful that I get an opportunity to see the world again for it's beauty. Even though I am not finished learning and I still continue messing up I am happy, not like a materialistic happy, but a peaceful happy if that makes sense? There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my memories of everything I used to be! Truthfully I get scared because I don't know if I'll ever be able to have fun in the "night life" without being hammered or if I'll ever actually like the way I look.
Hopefully I can blog now that I'm starting to get settled into my schedule and what not!
Love,
Kayla
